A Letter of Catharsis

I will admit I haven’t exactly been truthful with myself about how I feel. For the longest time, I couldn’t even trust my own judgment. Maybe, I was wrong about everything. I don’t know. 

Moving is the hardest thing for anyone. I saw glimpses of Florida before I moved there; it was beautiful, fantastical even to 11-year old me. The reality, however, was far from it.

You showered kindness on a girl who was trying to find her way around this strange place called Palm Harbor. You were so easy to talk to, so easy to confide in. Was any of it real? Honestly, a small part of me believes it was.  

People say life is a learning curve. You were my learning curve. Dealing with you helped me be a better judge of character.  You taught me the best thing I could do for myself is to trust my inner voice. 

You always told me not to take to heart what other people said. But what you really wanted was for me to take everything you said to heart. 

Your constant sarcasm made it hard for me to believe anything you said, even if it was actually genuine. You always told me I was resilient, that I bounce back from anything. With you, I will admit, it was an uphill battle. 

Every time you complimented me it felt like you were keeping a running tally on the amount of times you said nice and hurtful things about me. You needed to balance things out. It was only fair. How you could be so critical in one moment but then so nice & supportive in another really threw me for a loop. 

Then, one day, I realized something.

You didn’t actually know me. You didn’t care to know me. 

It hurt like hell. 

It still hurts now, but I know I am resilient enough to get through it. In the process, I created a community bigger than I could have ever imagined.

I am free to be myself again.